Are you a cycling dork?

   August started out so pleasantly this year, with an unexpected string of sunny and dry days. Unfortunately that stinkin’ hot and humid Pennsylvania summer we’ve all come to expect has returned. In any case, to “celebrate” our eighth month, I’ve selected (in no particular order) a list of 8 ways to know you are a cycling dork. This is not intended to belittle anyone or discourage someone from getting out on his or her bicycle – anything is better than sitting around watching the slop that is on television, or even worse , crawling into your personal hole of mindlessly staring at the screen of your (whatever brand) phone.

   That said, if you find that you are an offender to more than one of the items on this list, maybe you should consider taking up less challenging activities like croquet or Tiddly-Winks!

Reflectors: When I see someone on a really nice road bike with the reflectors still on the wheels and frame, I am reminded of motor boats speeding over the waves with the big white bumpers still hanging down over the sides. “Have you ever been on a boat before?” In this case, just substitute the word “bike” into that phrase.

   Unless you use your bike to commute to work and/or ride often at dusk, dawn or any of the hours in between, you have absolutely no need for reflectors on your bicycle. If you are looking to be more visible, there is certainly nothing wrong with wearing something reflective or brightly colored. My neighbor avoided having clunky reflectors on his Specialized Roubaix by placing a few reflective strips to his frame in strategic locations.

Aero bars on mountain bike: You do know that you are still in an upright position with the wind smacking you in the chest, right? And that doing something about your big, knobby tires on the smooth pavement would result in a bigger performance improvement than your new “aero” riding position? Ohhhh, you just wanted different hand/arm position(s) - well, I have the answer for you…

Leaving the visor attached to your cycling helmet: Despite what some “roadies” think, the visor on bike helmets was not intended to keep sun out of the eyes. It was devised by mountain bikers, specifically downhillers, to help keep branches from coming down into the face and smacking glasses/goggles down onto the nose. Then some marketing whiz realized there were a lot of suckers who thought the visor actually provided shaded vision and you couldn’t keep the dorks off of the trails!

   It should be immediately apparent that not only do you look like a smacked-ass with the visor attached, but that it catches wind when you are riding at the comparatively higher speed of a road bike. In fact, with the flatter back/head downward position on drop bars, the visor could be an obstruction to your sightlines.

   Besides, it’s not like you have a full-sized, baseball cap-like visor on the helmet! Any experienced cyclist (and I mean those that have the sense to remove the dorky visor) with a decent pair of sunglasses will tell you that the small overhang on any helmet, in conjunction with the glasses, completely keeps the sun from one’s field of vision!

Splash bar tape: As it has been covered previously in this blog, I won’t go into the subject much further, except to say that it stands to be the worst accessory ever to enter the cycling world. If you have some on your bike, go out RIGHT NOW and remove it! I will repeat (from my son Carrick’s eternal words of wisdom), “It looks like a clown threw up on your handlebars.”

Saddle too low: This one is a personal favorite of my wife, as she often encounters triathletes with this problem. She loves to mimic the legs-awkwardly-bent-out-to-the-sides pedaling style of the people tucked low in the aero position with their saddle height improperly set up. Of course, it’s hard to tell when the poor rider buzzes by in the opposite direction, but I’m sure that in some cases he/she is on a time trial bicycle that is completely too small!

   However, the problem is common to many cyclists we encounter - those who just grab a bike and go. Having the correct saddle height not only influences comfort on the bicycle, but it completely affects the efficiency of your pedaling stroke and how much of your power is put directly into the pedals. If your legs are flailing out to the sides of your body and are not aligned in a reasonable up and down motion, much of your effort is simply wasted.

   The alignment of the pedal stroke isn’t the only consideration, as saddle height also involves range of motion and whether you are getting the mechanical advantage from the complete length of those pistons attached to your hips. A final note needs to be made of the potential knee and back pain from continued riding in a “crunched” position.

Wearing a Team Sky jersey: This is the equivalent of rooting for the New England Patriots when you have never lived anywhere near Boston. You are quite simply a front-runner fan.

   (A brief aside) Philadelphians lament the area presence of countless Steelers and, God forbid, Cowboys fans who had “jumped ship” during the 1970s when the Eagles were lousy. Hey, the other two teams were WINNING and were on national television often. Maybe most importantly, these teams had players with flair and personality (yes, the Cowboys had a couple).

   The Patriots however, have none of that - they just win, much like Team Sky. There is nothing very enjoyable about the way Team Sky competes in stage races - no risky escapes, no bold attacks, just grinding away on the front, wearing others down…and winning, of course.

   Identifying with a team only because of their success really makes it seem like you don’t know anything about the sport itself. Wow, you watched the Tour de France and have seen victories by Chris Froome and Bradley Wiggins – who hasn’t? Can you tell me the name of any other pro cyclists? Thanks, I meant besides Lemond and Armstrong. Okay then, if you aren’t from Great Britain, I don’t want to see you wearing any Sky kit!

   And if it is a just matter of liking a black cycling jersey, you could instead don the kit of Giant-Alpecin or Cannondale-Garmin, or choose from tons of stylish options on the market.

Mismatched kit: In general, during the warmer months I wonder if folks have a mirror, but wearing the jersey of one cycling team with the shorts of another is just wrong. Sure the colors might not clash completely, but make up your mind already!

   There are some cyclists who don’t think anyone should wear team kit unless he or she is actually on a team, but let’s all relax and dream once in a while. I have my own rule that I will not wear the full kit of a team that still exists, but I don’t begrudge anyone’s enthusiasm to look like a pro, as long as you can “bring it”!

   In summary…Full kit - sure! Team jersey with black shorts - definitely! Team jersey with shorts of a solid color – passes, as long as you have a good sense of hue. Solid color top with team shorts - I suppose it could work. Toshiba/Look top with ADR shorts - please stay on the INDOOR trainer!

Having tons of stuff on your carbon bicycle: It mystifies me why someone would spend a couple thousand dollars on a super-light racing machine and then strap every accessory they can find onto the frame. Let’s see, the bike weighed 16 pounds when I bought it, and with that new carbon wheelset, I’ve got ‘er down to around 14.5 pounds. Now I’ll put on some aero bars (to change hand positions, of course), a mount for my Garmin, and a clamp for my hand pump and a CO2 cartridge. Okay, the little saddle bag for my tools, and I get dehydrated easily so I’ll add one of those behind-the-saddle bottle cages, too. Now the bike weighs 24 pounds – makes sense.

   I found the bicycle below listed on eBay – ignore the rather garish color choices on what would normally be a beautiful Wilier bicycle. I won’t knock the little bag beneath the saddle, but is that scuba equipment and a half gallon of milk on that $2500 lightweight bicycle?

   The photo below was also supposed to emphasize my point about loading unnecessary accessories on your bike, but I know a couple of cyclists who are at this moment pondering the bike cooler...or most likely what they would put in it!